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Online Journal Archives
Sometimes the real knowledge is formed inside of us, not outside....
Ramblings, personal truths and growth

The Last In Line

We're a ship without a storm, The cold without the warm. Light inside the darkness that it needs, yeah

We're a laugh without a tear. The hope without the fear. We are coming - home

We're off to the witch. We may never never never come home. But the magic that we'll feel Is worth a lifetime

We're all born upon the cross. The throw before the toss. You can release yourself, But the only way is down

We don't come alone. We are fire we are strong. We're the hand that writes, Then quickly moves away

We'll know for the first time; If we're evil or divine....We're the last in line
We're the last in line

Two eyes from the east....It's the angel or the beast - And the answer lies between the good and bad

We search for the truth! We can die upon the truth! But the thrill of just the chase , is worth the pain

We'll know for the first time; If we're evil or divine....We're the last in line
We're the last in line

We're off to the witch...We may never never never come home. But the magic that we'll feel is worth a lifetime

We're all born upon the cross The throw before the toss...You can release yourself, but the only way you go is down

We're a laugh without a tear - A hope without a fear - We're a ship before the storm - The cold inside the warm

We're the last in....We're the last in....We're the fiirst in line...See How we shine.....We're the last in line

February 2001

((((starmom))))) lavendar is for calming and healing spirit. A gentle "psychic rub" for things that we are dealing with that can cause excrutiating spiritual and mental anguish. This will sound a little odd - but have you tried Bergamot oil, daily? It does work to relieve stress in mental confusion situations.

I read your post in Healing, and what you said here. Talking bout it helped me. Being free to finally cut myself off from the people who helped it happen helped me. I will not even presume to give you advice.... But, know that my thoughts and energy are with you. If there is anything I can do, or any thing you need, just say the word. The only thing I will say, is follow your own counsil. You know what the best time and speed for your recovery is.

This is my story: I was physically ill September of '97-Spring of 99, (turned out to be a breast infection of strep & staph, and I should have been hospitalized or dead.) I was in pain, and my "doctor" was an idiot, who told me it was all in my head, since he'd given my labrador and I was taking 5 Advil and 7 tylenol on top of that daily, and it wasn't making the pain stop, so I started to drink heavily since that seemed to finally numb me to continue through school. (yes, I did get the dates right. It sounds stupid, I admit - two years to get a real doctor.Sept 17 of 97 to Feb of 99~sigh~)

During this time - my Grandmother and Grandfather both wound up in CCU at the same time. I was forced to be around my Aunt, (the "hold'er down" 1."), who proceeded to attack me verbally/emotionally that it was 'my fault her dear husband had left her.' That, 'If I would have "kept being 'nice' to him", he never would have left her.' I was beyond angry! I started to have nightmaes seeing the abuse that had happened, even tho' I had blocked out the exact details for years. Not repressed memory, just I would stop when the part(pain) that I couldn't deal with started, everything up to that I always remembered....

(Michael also fell on a "button" in here - but I won't go into it, since it wasn't the real problem...It just made me react in a way that wasn't conducive to us being "good".)
Anyway, I was suicidal! I also finally heard my Mother confess that she knew all along but, "Just couldn't deal with it." I made it through the suicide attempt, half hearted that it was. And I was put into "counseling" for it. This "quack" decided to go straight to "hypnosis" and put me on Elivil. Regardless of the fact that I was still on labradore! Needless to say, the first "hypno" session started me into panick attacks, I couldn't go under, but it opened up too much memory too quickly! It had nothing to do with the hypnosis, since I was already seeing these things, on my own. But the combination of everything was too too much. I stopped seeing any physciatrists, and started simply being real about what I had lived through with people I loved and trusted enough to talk to.(And that ain't even easy when you have learned NOT to trust anyone in life!*s*)I realized that no "magic pill" would give me the ability to make it go away! It was something I had to do for myself, and with my spirit first and foremost in the lead. If I could live through what I did and come out half sane, I could work to be all sane, now that it was physically safe.*LOL

It wasn't until last August though, (Michael's birthday.*s*) that i finally put down the bottle all together, stopped taking ANYTHING that would mess with my mind, decided that I have no need to try and "be friendly" with my family. And try to make up with Michael and take my life back... (I'm still working on the later two, and it feels like it will work sometime.~sigh~) It took me almost a year to fully get over all of that. And now it's still day by day, since when I feel sick with this other stuff, I get depressed and feel like I want to just get drunk all over again.

Sorry for the long post... But, I just am trying to put it all in perspective for myself. I am better now, I also know that this is something that will be with me the rest of my life. The only "good" thing that came out of it all, the awful part that is, was that the booze probably kept me alive while the medics fumbled around. Since alchohol is the best antiseptic in the world, when it isn't eating your liver.*LOL - Briar Rose

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