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We, us, our...
Joined by love - two lives, two hearts, and two minds become One.

I don't know how to explain it... I never believed in love. I never believed in "that one" who could make me feel that I belonged with them and without them my life would never be whole again. I never believed that there was such a thing as "making love." Sex was something that you gritted your teeth and did when you couldn't handle the urge, and hopefully you'd never have to see them again. I sure the hell didn't believe in "SoulMates"... That anyone could be so much a part of me that I could feel them even when we were apart. That anyone could touch me so deeply that I would die for them, break every ethic of my mental "priority" for them - without hesitation.....

And then I meet Michael. From the moment I saw him, I knew that this was big trouble. I wanted him to be a part of my life forever. Hell, I cleaned up his vomit - I wore it! - and still felt like he was the most perfect man I had ever met. WE made LOVE from the first time we touched. There was never a moment when I wasn't inside out and touching the heavens when we moved together. It wasn't about sex... It was mystical and out-of-time. There was no space, no other life outside of us. WE would cry.... Tears of total joy when we were ONE!

When I'm not with Michael, I feel empty. I feel that my life has no meaning and I don't really want to carry on if it's without him. There is no reason. I'm not suicidal.. It's beyond that. It's feeling like taking a long lonely walk through a life that really has no meaning anymore. Existing, and not living. There is a hole in my soul and the only thing that can fill it is Michael. It's like I left a piece of myself with him.... A piece that holds the very essence of the joy I ever got in life. I was only able to be my whole, true self with him. There were no games or "appearances" to play act at. There was no reason. I was safe and warm and able to be totally free and open.... And I fucked that up by trying to wait to tell him about my life, what I knew would hurt him. But - all along, I could have and that doesn't really matter, except that I blew it by waiting - no matter why. She smiles ruefully....

I want to fall on my knees and pray to him to absolve me for the stupidity that I allowed to come between us. It wasn't my mind! I keep the responsibility. I should have believed in him and not let others try to interfere. I was weak and I was stupid.... But, no matter how I try and say, "Yep - It was me!" That isn't true. It isn't. I never knew what being "out of your mind", meant until that year.

People seem to think that people are "replaceable", "Interchangeable"... That is fine for others... Who am I to tell them how to live their lives. They are of this time, it's right for them. My soul is not of this time. I was not born in my own time. I can't do that. I can't just move on... And I will never love another like I love Michael. And, truthfully, I never want to. As long as we are both alive... There is always hope that we can be as one again. I'd rather keep hoping. I will pray and light a candle for him, for the rest of my life, if that's what it takes. If nothing else, we will have other lifetimes to be together. We have before, and we will again.... I may not have that much time left here anyway.... "Tomorrow" is something that always surprises me right now.... And every tomorrow only brings one thought, "Where is he? I want to run to Him...." I want to hide in his soft fragrant hair for a week. Taste the trace of salt on his skin and breath the musk of him. Listen to the twin beats of our hearts and feel our heat growing into one bright star - that has no course - but encompasses the entire essence of being. Being one....

I need to find out if you have any love left for me. I need to find out if there is anyway that you can forgive and love me again. I want to run to you and beg you to take me back. To just see your smile and feel your strong arms around me again. To feel alive, in the way that I only feel when I am with you. You are my life, my breath, my joy, my hope and my strength. Michael, you are my ONE. We are ONE - and without you, I am none.


Can ANYONE Help Me, Please?????
Most holy apostle, Saint Jude: faithful servant and friend of Jesus...
I am so helpless and so alone. I implore you to bring visible and speedy help.
Come to my assistance in this great need.
I will be forever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron. Amen.